I’ve thought much on the subject of servanthood in relation to motherhood and raising children and teaching children to serve, and while I would rather avoid this subject for many reasons, I have come back to it over and over for a couple of years and can no longer ignore what I know God has put on my heart to share.
For Whom Do You Carry the Stone?
There is at the center of all we do our own pride that must be dealt with. This includes pride over an intentional consideration of teaching our children to be servants, and it unfolds in countless ways.
For example, years ago on the first day of a new school year I heard two very different stories that I have mulled over quite a bit since the telling of them.
The first was a student at a prestigious school who knew there was an important, new faculty member facing their first day at this school. This student stopped by the faculty members office to welcome them to the school, both making an impression of themself, and showing a depth and thoughtfulness that is admirable.
The second story happened on the same day and involved another student who saw a janitor crying in a bathroom. The student tenderly struck up a conversation with the janitor and then prayed with said janitor.
I find the stories conflicting and thought provoking for many reasons, but primarily because I find myself trying to decide which student I’d want my own children to emulate – and that isn’t the place of a servant.
But how natural is it as a parent to consider the place our child takes – in sports, in their grades, in their peer group. Even when they give – to their grandparents, friends , the visiting missionary, the homeless – we want them to be thanked and appreciated, and perhaps sometimes even praised, for their charitable act of service.
We want them to excel and while we should all strive to do everything to the glory of God, are we ok with our children serving and going unnoticed for their service?
I recently read a story that was shared from the apocrypha, and I am going to reshare here as it so aptly illustrates what I am trying to say. While not a Biblical account, it is a compelling illustration and one Elisabeth Elliot refers to in her writings.
“Walking along a rocky road, Jesus asked each of His friends to carry a stone for Him. John chose a big one; Peter selected a small one. They all climbed a steep mountain path. As they rested at the top, famished, Jesus commanded that the stones become bread.
When Peter was still hungry after his small portion, John shared some of his.
A while later, the group set out on the path again, and Jesus asked each man to carry a stone for Him. This time Peter chose the largest. After a long walk, Jesus took them to a river and instructed them to cast their stones into the water.
They looked at him, bewildered and sweaty.
‘For whom,’ asked Jesus, ‘did you carry the stone?’”
To Be or to Seem?
A servant looks to their master and seeks to do that which would please the master.
There isn’t room for our own agenda when we consider servanthood – and I find that muddles things as a parent trying to teach servanthood to one’s child.
It means we must continually be looking to God for wisdom for each moment in the upbringing and training of our children.
And it means what we do likely won’t look like what others do, but it doesn’t mean one is better than the other.
There is a lot of saying sorry and asking forgiveness when we get things wrong, because while we may be directly involved in the training, we are very prone to sin and selfishness.
It means a continual examination that teaching serving to our children isn’t an excuse for laziness in our self.
And it means a continual return to Christ on the cross at Calvary – our ultimate example of a servant.
I recently finished the biography Becoming Elisabeth Eliot by Ellen Vaughn and she talks about the Christian boarding school that Elisabeth attended as a teenager, a place where many prominent Christians sent their children.
The school’s motto was Ease Quam Videri: to be rather than seem.
I’ve read about this school elsewhere and the narratives agree; the school taught good, biblical concepts while elevating legalism.
And this is my point: with anything we do it is so easy to become legalistic and make a list of rules.
Anytime our eyes turn from Jesus Christ to what we want to create in our children, we are creating the breeding ground for legalism.
Whose Image Do We Bear, and What Meaning Does That Hold?
So this is with teaching servanthood. It isn’t achieved by accomplishing a checklist. I would argue it isn’t ever fully achieved – it is a continual dying to self and looking to Christ. And while our children are in our homes we get to be a part of this process of teaching them, but our ultimate goal is to encourage them to look to Christ, for them to be His servants.
In Deuteronomy we are given a pretty thorough description of when we are to tell our children about God’s commands- when we sit in our homes, when we walk, when we lie down, when we get up. We are to bind them to our hands and our foreheads and inscribe them on our door posts. It is pretty all encompassing, our time and attention should be devoted to passing on to our children the ways of the Lord.
There is a profound little story tucked in to the gospel of Matthew, in chapter 22. The Pharisees, intending to trick Jesus, asked Him if it was lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?
Jesus asked them whose image was on the coin, to which they responded, “Caesar.”
Jesus responded to them and said; “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”
Which begs the question – what is God’s? Or more pointedly, who bears the image of God?
We know from the account in Genesis where God says; “Let us make man in our own image.”
We are the very image bearers of God, and just as the coin bore the image of Caesar and therefore it was due him, so we bear the image of God and – as Romans 12 tells us – we should present ourselves as living sacrifices to Him.
A right view of God will give us a right view of self and will show us our reasonable service – the only logical response- is to willingly present ourselves to Him. Servanthood is not a drudgery, but a joy.
We need to elevate the importance of obedience to Christ Jesus, and elevate the person of Christ Jesus.
We need to turn our eyes to Jesus, the ultimate example of what it is to be a servant.
Christ is the example of servanthood and He offers the balance that we often miss. He served and poured Himself out- and we can never be Christ in that sense to others. We don’t replace Christ, we follow His example and we point our children to Him and His commands.
Consumers or Servants?
I think perhaps the biggest and hardest of lessons we as parents have learned is this: if we want kids that serve we need to let them serve.
Y’all. That’s hard. It’s really, really hard. It starts with small hard things – like letting them “help” you make dinner, or “help” you wash dishes. And letting them “help” you do those things long after the cuteness has worn off.
Not every home will have the same dynamics to allow for children helping and serving in the ways I mentioned. Larger families, working mothers, those living overseas where house help is the norm – there are so many scenarios that would negate the examples I used.
But that doesn’t change the simple truth that if we want children that serve we need to let them serve. In whatever small capacity that looks like in out homes.
We diligently bear the weight of the extra work to train them to serve. And we bear it patiently and joyfully, so that they witness that whatever you do, you do for the glory of God. (And when we complain we apologize!)
When we refuse to allow our children to serve we create consumers.
And while most young children show a natural desire to “be helpful”, intentionality, training, and endurance are vital to see our children through the seasons where their eagerness falters and they don’t feel like it – or when our own patience wears thin. Eventually the childish help matures into a useful, precious help and suddenly you have children that are serving in a genuinely helpful way and seeking to meet bigger and deeper needs.
I think the awkward thing about talking about teaching our children to serve can be summed up with the aforementioned boarding schools motto: Ease Quam Videri: to be rather than seem.
As parents we cannot do the work of making our children “be”, regardless of how much we might desire something for them.
And when we make an idol of our desires and fall into legalism it is easy to “seem.”
Christ is the balance. We seek Him, not a product. “Fidelity to the word of God, not an outcome.” (Lore Ferguson.)
In the seeking of Christ we uphold Him and His word as the authority for our lives. We uphold the importance of obedience to Him, and the person and character of Him.
We apply towards our children what is a theme of the New Testament, but summed up so well in 1 Thessalonians;
(Vs 11) “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
(Vs 14) And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the faint hearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”
“Go, labor on; spend, and be spent;
Thy joy to do the Father’s will;
It is the way the Master went;
Should not the servant tread it still.”
-hymn by unknown author
