The Expectation of Obedience

How do we learn to value an expectation of obedience? How do we learn to have an expectation of obedience? What would it look like to expect obedience?

Over the year I have observed many parents at playgrounds that call to their children every few minutes that it is time to go right this minute, and the child, unrattled by the tone or volume of voice, resolutely ignore their parent.
Parents lay out their expectation with no expectation that their child will actually obey.
And as a culture we support this notion.

When I was a young mom with a young toddler who asked if he could walk instead of sit in a shopping cart, I bent low to look in his eyes and laid out my expectations of him if he wanted the freedom of walking; stay by my side, no touching grocery items on the shelf, stop and wait patiently when I stop to pick an item off the shelf.
An older woman listened in and then boldly approached me and – in front of my child – told me that he was too young for me to expect him to obey. I dismissed her advice as the utter foolishness it was, but in my twelve years of being a mom she is the only person to offer me personal advice on what I can expect from my children when it comes to obedience.

Tell me this – if we don’t expect a two or three year old to obey, at what age can we expect it? What exactly does the transition look like to go from being too young for one to expect obedience to being old enough to expect obedience?
We are forgetting to expect our children to obey, and forgetting to remind and encourage those behind us to teach obedience to their own children.

And maybe we are forgetting to examine our own lives to see if we are living in obedience.
How do you learn to value obedience in yourself? How do you learn to be obedient? What would it look like to be obedient?

Abuse of many kinds, from the hands of many in authority – parental, spouse, government, teacher, church – has caused many to recoil at the idea of obedience. I think it must satisfy Satan greatly that the idea of obedience makes so many feel panic stricken, as if obedience to God could ever be anywhere within the realm of obedience to a selfish human. It is not the same.

A loving God created us, redeemed us, and desires us to walk in holiness. He asks us to obey, but He never ceases to be love. Obedience, whether you are the one requiring it or the one it is being required of, is a manifestation of love. True obedience will reflect a good and loving God.

Perhaps you’ve witnessed a relationship that reflected God’s love and so obedience is a precious and beautiful thing to you. But more likely, you have seen man’s perversion and selfishness display itself in power moves that have twisted obedience to be the forced response of the weak and the helpless and the shamed.

When we recognize God’s love, we respond to His love.

So then, how do we learn to value obedience? By learning to value Christ and desiring to follow Him and do as He asks. And as we start to grow in our love for Him and our estimation of obedience grows alongside, it will become a natural extension to want to encourage others to start learning sooner. Help them avoid the hindrances we might have struggled with.

Years ago I had a busy day of errand running and tasks to accomplish which the boys had to tag along for, but it necessitated them entertaining themselves for hours while being dragged here and there. I had laid out my expectation for them, and they did so well!

On the way home I thanked them for having had such good attitudes throughout the day.
About ten minutes passed. Then Judah asked me; “Mama, will you tell daddy that we worked hard on being obedient tonight?”

I told him that I would be telling Paul that. I could see his huge smile in the rear view mirror and, intrigued, I asked him why he wanted me to tell his daddy that they had been good.

His answer was humbling;

“Because mama, when you tell daddy we worked hard on something he always encourages us to keep at it, which encourages us to want to be that way again and again.”

They wanted to work hard on being obedient because we encouraged them to! His answering brought tears to my eyes. Such sweetness, such depth, wrapped up in a young life. But this is exactly how we should be – encouraging one another on to obedience in Christ.

Obedience is hard. Expecting obedience of your children is hard when your own shortcomings are so evident to yourself. It is a heavy responsibility to train your children to obedience, and it is a humbling one as you see them start to obey. Make sure you are neither provoking nor thoughtlessly making commands of them, but rather examine your own life and strive to live in obedience to Christ, as ultimately this is why we are teaching the children to obey – so that they might one day move from our stewardship to being fully responsible to God themselves.

In expecting obedience we need to ensure what we are requiring obedience in is fair and is for their benefit. They may not feel it is fair. They may not see the personal benefit. But when we train them to obey it is not for self gratification, but to to prepare them for service to the Lord -“to be ready for every good work” (Titus 3:1) We must exercise discernment and discretion in what we ask of our children.

An expectation of obedience creates so much peace and joy. Obedient children are peaceful and joyful. And from their perspective, I’m sure they’d say reasonable expectations make for a peaceful and joyful experience for them. We are not trying to create the illusion of obedience, where in public one face is displayed and yet in the home there is bitterness and strife. Obedience is a manifestation of love, and love is patient, gentle, and kind.

If obedience is a manifestation of love then it stands to reason that any appropriate expectation for obedience is stemming from love. We demand our children to not touch a hot stove or to walk out on the street because we love them and desire good things for them. That’s a visceral example, but all our instruction in obedience to our children should be so interwoven out of a deep love for them and a desire for their good.

There are times when training in obedience feels like the hardest work in the world. But it’s worth it. It is so, so worth it. It is hard to not get distracted by their feelings, the world’s foolish advice, or our own weariness.

In a sense, if you aren’t training your children then your children are training you. They are learning if you mean what you say or if they will be able to wear you out and get you to change your mind or not follow through on what you said.

If we want our children to know we expect obedience, they need to know we mean what we say. The most powerful way for them to know we mean it is for them to witness Christ changing our own lives – are we as parents living in submission to Christ and what we know He has told us to do? Are we thankful, slow to anger, joyful? Do we repent when we are wrong?

Can our children echo the words in 2 Peter 1:16 – “We did not follow cleverly devised myths … we were eyewitnesses of His majesty.”

Will they one day look back and see that this Christ we profess as worthy of obeying isn’t simply a story, but the very power that uses our weakness for His glory.

Thanks for reading! You are encouraged to share if this was helpful or thought provoking to you. You might also enjoy reading Creating Habits . Thanks for being here!